to feel, or not to feel.

We were at a wedding this past weekend and people were asking me if I was excited to go back to school and to get married. Of course I am, I'm very excited to better my future and I'm determined to prove to myself that I am smart enough to crush my masters courses and become a dentist. I want to learn and grow as an individual. My classes and research sound so interesting and for that I'm very excited.

But with me going to school and us doing distance we have decided to wait on planning our wedding. I need to be focused on my courses so we are putting that exciting time in our life on hold for 2 years. I feel guilty that I'm putting my education before our life together. I feel guilty that I asked Zack to move to Colorado and then two years later I'm leaving him there alone for 10 months. For the last month we had together alone in Colorado, I was ramping up my studying for the DAT so we only had an hour or so together everyday, I feel guilty that I set my test to be on the last day we had together. I feel a lot of guilt.

The evening after completing my DAT, I packed up all of my things and moved out of Zack and I's apartment. We drove away and moved me into my apartment in Omaha. Zack and I are officially starting distance after a week back in Minnesota for the 4th of July. Selfishly, I feel sad for me. I don't want to be away from Zack, with him as a part of my life everyday I'm a better person, I'm a happier person and I want I want to spend my time with him. I also I feel sad for him and I feel sad for us as a couple.

The last time I was in school and Zack and I were apart, I started to break down mentally. Zack, Clyde and the sunshine of Colorado had been able to keep me off of anxiety medicine for the past few years. But I'm heading into my masters, with much higher stakes than working my 9-5 or undergraduate classes, all without my support system, it makes me very anxious. I know that I've learned a lot about my mental well-being and how to take care of myself, but still, I'm scared of falling apart again.

Nervous, anxious, excited, scared, determined, sad, guilty.

All of these feelings make it difficult to have small talk about what's going on in our lives. Saying "Yes, I'm excited to go back to school" feels like a lie.

I wish there was a word for when you feel so many emotions, you can't really explain how you feel.

In college after a year-and-a-half rollercoaster of emotions similar to this I eventually thought it would be better to not feel at all, I was sick of the high-highs and the low-lows, I wanted to be more even-keel. So I stopped letting things have an affect on me. Nothing phased me and I felt so STRONG for it. I felt like a rock, a power-house. I was in complete control of my emotions.

Only after years did I realize, I wasn't in control of my emotions, I just wasn't having any. And the truth is, it didn't make my life any easier. Cutting out all of the dark times meant that there weren't any happy times either. My life had become one endless blah moment. No reason to wake up in the morning, no reason to strive to something, because even if I accomplished it I wouldn't feel joy. And failing everything didn't really bother me either.

Breaking up with Zack - I felt nothing
Failing 2 courses - I felt nothing
Running two successful sorority recruitments - I felt nothing

As compared to where I am now:

Moving to Colorado with the love of my life - joy, excitement, nervousness
Getting fired - anger, confusion
Quitting my 2nd job to start studying full time - anxiety, fear, sadness
Getting engaged - joy, joy, joy, joy

The advice: "just focus on the good stuff" is pointless when talking to someone with anxiety or depression. When you can't feel anything "just focus on the good stuff" seems so silly, the response is "what good stuff?"

It's very confusing as you start working your way out of depression because feeling again doesn't mean you only feel the good stuff, it means you feel everything. If you've been focused on the good stuff then you'll get very confused when something bad happens, and you don't know how to cope with it. It's foreign and weird and it's tempting to just shut off your feelings again.

The advice: only focus on the "good stuff," means you're only half alive.

The same goes for if you only dwell on the bad stuff. We need all kinds of experiences and emotions to truly understand what living is about, and feeling something (or everything in these type of moments) is better than feeling nothing at all.

If you're at a cross-roads or you're working your way out of depression, just keep reminding yourself that being able to feel, the sad things, and happy things, and everything in between means you're living, you're engaging and you're really alive. You will be sad, but you also get to be happy, and if you're really lucky you'll have these moments when you feel both at the same time because that means you're doing something special.