seasonal depression
I’ve never felt like I’m heading in the right direction more in my life. My classes are interesting, my grades are great, my relationships are flourishing, and so far, not to jinx anything, dental schools seem interested in taking me into their class. This is the most exciting and energizing metaphorical road-trip I’ve embarked on in my life.
However, my rise and shine, drive all day, and enjoying the scenery road-trip is starting to change. I want to sleep in, drive only if I’m energized enough, and take naps in the backseat instead of soaking up every second. I am starting to feel a shift in my mood.
The motivation that was running full steam ahead in August feels much more like an engine sputtering on its last gallon, bursts of energy followed by what feels like the end of my motivation forever, just to be followed by another spurt when I least expect it.
The thing that scares me most is that if I don’t change something, someday soon, my motivation won’t come back. I’m not OK with that, I want to reach the destination this time, I don’t want to be screaming for help on the side of the road, unable to pull myself out of the ditch until the snow melts in March.
My anxiety is like my summer home. It’s overactive, over achieving, waking me up and getting me going every day through a never-ending stream of “you’re not good enoughs” and “you’re going to fails.” But with the sun on my side, I’m so motivated to prove the voice in my head wrong that I accomplish everything I want to. Around this time, the mean, bitchy voice gets sick of me and takes off to go harass someone in Australia I assume, it’s perfect opportunity for my good pal depression to move in.
Depression is a blanket fort on a cold day, it’s comfortable, low maintenance, and somehow has never ending junk food and Netflix. At the beginning I’m totally stoked he’s is here, he’s so chill, and tells me that I “deserve a break,” which is such an amazing change of pace from the brat I had all summer. He’s the sneakiest form of parasite, the kind that you originally invite in. All he wants is someone to keep him company, and every time I have the idea to leave the fort, he starts the next episode of Friends, or remembers that there’s a frozen pizza in the fridge so we really don’t have to leave at all. Slowly he sucks away all of my energy, and the longer he’s taking my motivation, the deeper into the pit I fall, and the harder it is to muster enough mental strength to crawl out of my safe blanket cocoon.
I felt him move in last week. I wanted to nap Monday and Tuesday but I didn’t give in, just watched some Gilmore Girls instead. On Wednesday and Thursday my want to sleep became a need. Sleep was my coping mechanism for years, it tugs on me during stressful times like a smoker craves nicotine, or an alcoholic longs for a stiff martini. Sleep is my kryptonite, it erases my problems for the time being and gives me “the break” that depression so convincingly tells me I need, but it takes me away from all of my goals and aspirations, I start to spiral. But this year, my stress is from things I’m really excited about, tests in interesting classes and dental school interviews, I don’t get it.
I’ve struggled with seasonal depression since I was 15, it eventually that progressed into year-round depression. As I gained mental strength over the past 3 years, its become less of an issue. Last year, I didn’t experience any seasonal depression.
Looking back, I’m amazed and proud, I had a whole year without depression taking hold of me. I want to feel that way again this year. So I wrote out the things that were a part of my daily life, that aren’t anymore and I’m pledging to reinstate as many as I can. I hope this helps you, and if you have anything that makes you happy and I didn’t mention it, please tell me because I need reinforcements!
The one thing that spurred a ton of great habits was that we booked a trip to Punta Cana with our friends. We had something to look forward to at the end of March (AKA the end of seasonal depression) and it made the days FLY by all winter as we anticipated that trip. This sparked a few more awesome things for me
I signed up for Anna Victoria’s “Body Love” workout and meal guides. This highlights the first two things that changed my mood. I was working out 4 or 5 times a week and I was eating healthy basically every day. I’m starting this plan again when I get back from Fall Break, I am so excited because I know I felt so good from the inside-out. If you don’t have a gym membership anywhere, check out Body Boss for workouts and/or meal plans you should be able to complete at home, and I know that a lot of people love Kayla Itsines’ “Sweat” too! The key to sticking to this is convenience, and celebrating the little wins. If you added an extra minute on the treadmill, or you went even when you didn’t want to, WOW, YES, GO YOU, those are amazing accomplishments. Don’t compare yourself to others, just focus on improving yourself.
As far as eating healthy, Anna Victoria’s meal plans were delicious and had great variety. If food is where you want to use your energy, then go hard, mix it up, spend all day Sunday making awesome meals. I’m a terrible cook, very lazy, and not very picky so I stick to the basics and repeat meals for weeks instead. Key to success with food is understanding the trait that’s holding you back and to beat it, I only cook the easiest meals, but hey, I’m still eating healthy. Remember to schedule a cheat day or at least a cheat meal, this “having something to look forward to” concept really works.
Living in Denver was amazing because I had sunshine nearly every single day. Which, in Omaha, it rained for 11 days straight, it was sunny for one day, and then it snowed, so weather cannot be a positive for me here. I’m buying a UV lamp, which I’m really excited about, if you have any favorite brands please let me know! And I’m considering a tanning membership to go once every 2 weeks or so, which I know are so bad for your skin, but HELP because having sunlight everyday in Denver helped sososo much, and I’m lost here.
I had Clyde, the Golden Retriever, in Denver. He is very high energy, and even though some days I dreaded being in the cold, he got me outside walking with him and breathing fresh air, and he was a snuggle buddy while I holed up and studied for the DAT. Both of which drastically improved my mood. It has been proven that pets can help with depression, read more on how dogs help, here. If you can afford getting a cat or a dog, and have a chronic issue with depression, and know you would love them, do it. Get an animal friend.
I had Zack, he picked up the slack for me all the time, he made sure I got up in time to work out and pulled me away from my textbooks when he knew I needed to sleep. If you live with your significant other and they are a giver, at least tell them you appreciate it, my everyday life without him is at such a lower level. If you have a great roommate, ask them to be your workout and meal prep buddy, the accountability helps you stick to your plans, and you have a bonus of someone to complain to when all you want is a cheeseburger.
The thing that wraps all of this together was the ROUTINE!
I woke up early, went to the gym, ate my healthy breakfast, went to work with my pre-made meals, came home, took Clyde on a walk, ate my healthy dinner with Zack, studied, washed my face and went to sleep. REPEAT. I left no room for my enabler to sneak in, on the weekends we’d snowboard and do chores and meal-prep on Sunday. Day over day, week over week, eventually our trip came around and I realized I had a productive and happy winter for the first time ever. I want this year to be the same.
With cold moving in, and the pull of sleep on my mind, I can honestly say I’m scared of my own brain. I don’t want to be an immobile ball of blankets mesmerized by sitcoms and Door-Dashing all of my meals this winter.
SO I’m going to start the following:
Cooking on Sundays for a week’s worth of healthy meals and snacks. 🥗
Going to the gym at least 5 days a week 🏋️
Stay on campus until 5 everyday. I need the routine and it’ll make sure I get my studying in. Plus, it will keep me away from my couch, netflix and blankets. ⏰
Buying a UV lamp …What are your opinions on using Tanning beds as a source of UV light for boosting your mood? ☀️
I’m reinstating evening walks. Even though I don’t have a dog, I need the fresh air. 🚶
Why not use cuffing season to get a nice pet? If you’ve been thinking about it, do it now, its a great time to adopt an animal friend. 🐱 🐶
I really miss Zack for so many reasons, but I need the accountability that he held me to. Now, I’ve just told all of you my plan, and I’ll lean on you guys to keep me on track! 👯
Seasonal depression is moving into our headspace, let’s find more ways we can keep it from getting too comfortable and be proactive before it really takes hold. Please comment below with your best selfcare tips and how you stave off seasonal depression, because I need to help this year!
If you need anything, do not hesitate to reach out to me, remember you’re not alone.
