social anxiety vs. self-acceptance

Have you ever tried to join a new friend group, and you're finally hanging out and all that happens for three hours is they talk about memories made that you weren't a part of? YUUUUP, that was me with Zack's college friends for like, honestly, two years.

Zack and his college friends had spent every weekday, weeknight and weekend together, so I missed a lot. They even did a massive Cancun trip while Zack and I were broken up. FOMO except you've already missed out, amiright?  What was clear from all of the stories they shared was how much they loved each other and protected each other.

What made these moments even worse is that I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I had broken Zack's heart and his friends were there to get him through it. When I did come back into his life, we decided to start a new adventure together in Colorado, which meant he had to move away from his friends in Nebraska. We were so excited about it, but in my head I always imagined his friends hated me for it.

Even after 2 years I was still having the worst possible thoughts go through my head during the 8 hour drive from Denver to Omaha. My anxiety spiked before every visit because all I wanted was for them to like me, but everytime I left I felt like I had bombed some sort of interview. I would end up having a breakdown from the stress or Zack and I would get into a fight. I just couldn't shake the feeling they would never forgive me for what had happened 3 years earlier and welcome me in.

Finally, I got sick of feeling like I was on the outside looking in. It was time for new memories and this time I was gonna be a part of it. I was going to prove to them that I was right for Zack and I could be a part of their group. So, I planned a Punta Cana trip with the two girls I had latched onto very early on, Jordyn and Becca.

We tried to get all 25 thousand of Zack's college friends together but we ended up with the three of us and our boyfriends. Which was weird, because all of the sudden this trip felt very grown-up. It was a *couples trip* now... my mind went to the ladies getting massages and reading self help books, while the boys drank too many strawberry daiquiris, suddenly grew a beer belly at 24, and got extremely burnt from passing out in the sun.

Then my mind went to all the ways I could mess this up, spending too much time with Zack alone, making an ass out of myself by drinking too many mojitos, or not drinking enough mojitos and being a square, the list goes on. These two other couples were the sweetest people and I just wanted this trip to go well. And honestly in the beginning it did!

We spent hours in the water playing nose-goes on who had to walk up the beach to get more drinks. By 7 PM we were all burnt, tipsy and ready for a nap. We didn't eat dinner until 9 PM every night. We went on long walks on the beach talking about everyone's futures and Zack and I got to eat breakfast and spend the mornings together every day.

We got all dressed up and went to the most amazing night club, CoCo Bongo. One of our friends almost got us kicked out of the club for trying to fight a guy that took our prime dancing position on the top of the bar, which was completely reasonable at the time. We did a snorkel and party-boat excursion and it was amazing. The girls got #turnt on rum punch and the Macarena Bayside Boys REMIX then had a photoshoot. It was amazingly fun and majority of the 1000s of pictures we took are terrible. I got lost, all alone, in our 55-Villa resort, Melia Caribe Tropical, and was missing for 2 or so hours. (Happens, right?)

Yet even after all of these memories had been made, on the second-to-last day I admitted to Zack's friends that I still felt like I'd never be a part of the group. I'd never be forgiven. I'd never gain their trust. If Zack and I got in a fight it would always be my fault. If something good happened in our relationships it would only be because of Zack. There would always be this circle of friends and then me on the outside and if me and Zack were going to get married that was a lifetime of being shunned (welcome to the dark places anxiety can take you, everyone.) 

They were appalled that I thought all of this and said I was ridiculous. They explained that they were all so worried about me while I was lost, that they've had so much fun with me and it wouldn't be the same if Zack and I weren't together. Maybe they were sceptical in the beginning, but they got over it after seeing us happy together and getting to know me.

Wow, this was great news, but then why, after 2 years, did I still feel like I needed to earn their forgiveness?

That's when I realized, I was the one who was holding the grudge, and it was against myself. I had painted myself as this evil witch who hurt Zack, took him away from his friends, and self-sabotaged every visit since, but nobody else saw me like that. I needed to forgive myself for those years apart from Zack, because his friends were long over it, and Zack was too.

So I reflected to find reasons I deserve forgiveness and shouldn't hold this grudge anymore and I came up with one main one.
I found ways to combat my depression, to get and stay healthy during those three years.
I'm a better friend, I'm a better daughter, and I'm a better sister, and I'm especially a better partner to Zack because of it.
This far outweighs a sad break-up at 19, and missing out on some drinking stories.

So, I overcame this pain and fear and anxiety and stress of trying to impress this group of people by forgiving and accepting myself for my journey and sharing my self-doubt with them. Vulnerability brings people together and expressing my fears opened up the doors for more love.

If you're going through this, whether you're going to a party and you don't think you're trendy enough and that the people there are judging you, or you've upset a friend and hanging out hasn't been the same since. Or you are new at work and you don't feel comfortable joining any conversation because you don't know enough yet.

These are judgements you're likely projecting onto yourself. Learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, and accept your position in life. Share your insecurities, your remorse, your eagerness to learn because sharing those driving forces in our lives bring us closer to those around us.

After completing those two things:
reflecting until you have self-acceptance & sharing your self-doubt
you will find that your experiences with those that made you anxious before are so much more enjoyable, because you're being authentically you.

And yes, sometimes, the people we're surrounded by are judgy, closed-minded, grudge-holding assholes, but then you don't want to be their friend anyway. ;)
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I want to hear from you! I want to build a community where people can share their lows and their highs, so if you feel comfortable sharing, please do :)
Share this on Facebook (@dalejenniferblog) with your responses/opinions or comment below!

Have you ever dealt with social anxiety?
Have you ever realized that your negative opinion of yourself was hurting your relationships?
Are you in a similar situation right now?
What practices do you utilize to ease these thoughts and get through these experiences?
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Lastly, to hopefully brighten your day, here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip.
#lilbootiesmatta